Adversity Breeds Creativity

so why stop now?

WIN/FAIL!

http://www.duko.ca/

A couple people I know have had some custom work done by this chap and all of it is beautiful. And hey…. we’re all unique and beautiful snowflakes so our baubles should be as well,  right

“Why yes…. I did just give birth to this lil dude a WEEK AGO!”

Hooray for Sophia!

Yesterday a friend of mine posted his crackbook status as: “What are the 3 most important aspects of a relationship?” I didn’t need to think about it for more than a few moments and I knew mine were:

* Trust, Respect, Communication

I was curious what John would say and he replied:

* Comunication, Understanding, Forgiveness

I cannot tell you how overwhelming it was to see that we both had communication in our list.  I’ve been spending alot of time thinking about many things in my life lately. The thing that has always stood out in my head as being the main difference between myself and the rest of the world has always been how I communicate. I grew up without a filter and as a child solely surrounded by adults and I find this to be challenging on a fairly regularily basis because they thought it was funny that I was so vocal or direct.. and I did not learn that most people do not communicate like that.  People that do not grow up in isolation learn at a young age that you need to censor yourself because that is how society works. I was lacking the ability to know when to keep my mouth shut, or really even the proper way to express myself and it’s been taking me ALOT of work to stumble my way around.  And a serious amount of therapy.

Fast forward… many failed friendships, fights,  and kissing toads. At this point I feel almost ashamed of my past. I was speaking with John about it last night and telling him about my history and… well the only way to say it is just this…. I had absoloutely no idea what a real relationship was until now.  Don’t get me wrong here – I am not putting John on a pedestal.  We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be — not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them. That being said he has really opened my eyes.  As I mentioned before I keep having these “oh my god” moment’s where I am shocked that things between us can be so simple and yet so amazing.  If I were to tell you that I am naiive you would probably balk because if you know anything about my life I have been through alot, but I have never been witness to a healthy man/woman relationship. I have had nothing to guage my own relationships because of this. It’s not as depressing to know this and recount the people that I have chosen to spend time with, or the excuses I have made for them ( again and again and again and again ) but it is still a very obvious shock to my system. For somebody who likes to analyze her life I’m pretty shocked that I didnt think about this sooner.  It’s interesting.

The work I have done with Darcon has always had a waterfall effect.  If I spent 4 hours with him discussing many things it would be as if realizations or discoveries would continue for weeks and sometimes even months before I saw him again.  It has been… simply put… one of the most remarkable experiences of my life.  And also extremely empowering. A few weeks ago I realized that I was engaging in self destructive behavior between Jj and I and I sent Darcon a desperate plea for help. Dealing with alot of his own issues right now he couldn’t help me… so I had no choice, I had to self medicate. I fixed it. I was able to do something about it – progess! I’m still far from perfect but I did find a mental compromise that I think will allow me to prevent myself from perpetuating the same mistake.

And to get back to communication. Everything that I have ever wanted in a relationship has eluded me because I have lacked the ability to communicate, had no self respect and had no positive power couple to compare my own experiences to. And now that I have this beautiful loving, amazing union in my life it feels like I have just opened my eyes.  I am weary to say things like this because it sounds so… I dont know, it sounds arrogant. I don’t want this to sound like now that I am dating somebody I all of a sudden see the light or anything like that…. but it’s just truly astounding to me to feel the way that I do right now. I feel LOVED, supported, nurtured, and the other half of a perfect circle.  I feel that our relationship really is a 50/50.  He is the most loving person I have ever been around. I feel blessed and amazed to have such a powerful force in my life. I cannot WAIT to share more of my life, time, energy and love with somebody so amazing. I truly am a blessed woman.

This is the first year I have been over the moon excited about my birthday. I cannot WAIT to see what the next year is going to bring.

Drunk on romance

or the memory of our

bodies pressed together

in the guise of dancing

Synchronized steps mimicked

similar smirks

Exchanged melodies

in transit

Welcomed euphoric flutters

like soft fingertips

caressing supple lips

Transcendent moments

enveloped in your arms

Tidal waves

wash across my frame

each time

your aquamarine gaze

meets mine

I’ve been fairly nostalgic of late and have been reading old blogs, and skimming my old visual journal. I found this today which was something I wrote in 2003 and it’s still very valid so I thought I would share.

I incite madenss in the opposite sex while remaining completely inept at finding that which I desire the most. How redundant is that statement? As if 90% of the population isn’t in the exact same boat as I am. I need somebody who is in touch with their creative self.  Inspire me, entice me, invite me to be free. I’m looking for the chosen one as we were meant to be. I need physical interaction, and extention of my mind. I know that which I desire just know naught where to find. A real man that is not afraid to show emotion, not afraid to learn from his mistakes. One who will recognize that life is a constant evolution, a journey that cannot be taken with your heart and mind closed. One who will feel with me, feel for me, feel emotions as real as I would like to. Someone who I can teach  and who I can learn from. Who is willing to take big risks because without big risks you cannot have big rewards. Willing to dream, willing to be crazy and act like kids because life is too short. Ready to open themselves to me 100% and take a step that cannot be put into words.